Over the last year...

It's been a year since my last blog entry, so much has happened since then. I have realised I am never going to be the person I used to be so I'm trying to create and love my new "normal".

I am back at work full time, which is very tiring but makes me so happy; I have had an MRI and mammogram which have both been NED (no evidence of disease); I have hair again; I've lost 9kg of chemo weight despite being on tamoxifen; I have had my port-a-cath removed; and me and my boyfriend have bought our own little home and now live together.

I have also had some not so positive things: I get lots of infections in various places, I average one every 2 months which isn't brilliant and I have landed in the resus bay of my local a&e twice by blue light ambulance; I have lost some beautiful friends recently because of this shitty disease; I have lymphoedema which causes my bad boob to swell, become sore, numb and itchy and tamoxifen makes me itch everywhere and causes all my joints to crack like im 80. Just to name a few good and bad things.

Since having my port out I have struggled, and I feel like it's something I need to get off my chest and isn't something I should be ashamed of, in fact I should be proud of the fact I have been able to ask for help. Hence why I've decided to blog again.
So basically here goes...

I am admittedly a stubborn cow, which has probably helped me survive until now, but has also been my downfall as it took me a while to admit I was struggling. Having my port out felt like the full stop at the end of the cancer sentence, I had focused so much on this I didn't have to focus on how I felt about everything else. A few weeks after my port removal everything bubbled to a head as I had a massive breakdown over a cheese pie not cooking as quickly as I liked. Looking back I think I had been so in control of cooking and cleaning, probably too much with the cleaning. I couldn't cope with a sudden lack of control, which set me off on a massive breakdown/panic attack spiral. After lots and lots of tears I finally told my Mum and boyfriend that I felt like I had coped well for so long and now all of a sudden I felt I couldn't cope, I had lost control, and my bleaching and repetative actions had got significantly worse. I talked to some of the girls on my YBCN facebook support group about how I was feeling, turns out I am not the only one feeling like this and two years post diagnosis seems to be when a lot of women struggle with everything they have been through. Supported by my Mum and boyfriend, and knowing I wasn't on my own or stupid for feeling this way, I went to the GP who thinks I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Since then I have been started on antidepressants which help me function better, I have been referred for cognitive behavioural therapy which will apparently arm me with coping techniques and I have seen a psychologist who specialises in breast cancer psychology. She has helped me see that I haven't actually lost the plot and that all these feelings are normal after everything I have experienced. She has encouraged me to keep talking about cancer and everything else as that's how I will be able to sort it in my head. She has also helped me stop cleaning so much, as 3 hours bleaching the bathroom is completely unnecessary! So sorry if I talk about cancer a lot more from now on!

Since my first "breakdown" I have had a few more episodes and panic attacks, but talking about cancer and how I feel, which has helped massively.

I have so far only been able to tell very few people about all this, thankyou to each and every one of the people I have confided in, you have helped me realise I have nothing to be ashamed of, and this is all just a normal part of cancer treatment. I love you all xxx

Angry and cross today

These last few days I have found myself feeling pretty cross and upset at the hospital that told me that lump was "just glandular" nearly 6 months before I got a proper diagnosis. It was a different trust to the one I have been receiving treatment at, they have been nothing short of fabulous! I know if's and but's don't change anything, but it still angers me.

Too many young women are being fobbed off and not tested as thouroughly as older women, just because of age. It's an all too familiar story in cancerland.

IF I had been diagnosed in the November I wouldn't have needed time off between then and my actual diagnosis date just because of infections caused by the cancer crashing my immune system, I would have been able to have surgery before chemo, giving me more options with regards to fertility, and also would probably have meant less surgery as my sentinel node biopsy would have been done at the same time as the lumpectomy. I often wonder if I had been diagnosed earlier would I have even needed chemotherapy, or would surgery and radiotherapy have been enough? This would have saved me the distress of hairloss and all the other horrific side effects, it also would have meant I would have needed less time off work and I would feel better now than I currently do. How much else would be different!

I know I am incredibly lucky to have got a diagnosis before it spread, but that was purely because I wasn't fully happy with what I was told first time round and my GP took my concerns on again a second time. If I had listened to what they had said I probably would be sat here now unknowingly riddled with the bugger! At the appointment in November I was the last patient in what seemed a very busy clinic that was about two hours behind plan. In other words, I think the staff were desperate to get home and finish, and hey, how many 23 year olds do you see with breast cancer! Pretty much like hens teeth arn't we! A quick ultrasound, no core biopsy or fine needle aspiration, and a quick "yeah, it's just glandular, nothing to worry about, any questions? No, you're discharged, we don't need to see you again, bye". No leaflets, no information, nothing! Hard to think of questions in such a rush, especially when youre relieved it's "nothing to worry about"!

No doubt all of you reading this are thinking being cross won't change things and I shouldn't be thinking about it. Sometimes thats extremely hard, my mind and body has been battered mentally and physically from every angle, being angry I suppose is part of the grieving process for the "old me". It makes me upset how often this is the case, GP's or breast clinics telling young women things are fine (my GP was wonderful both times, she took my concerns on and reacted despite my age). Maybe if more doctors were educated a little more about the prevalance of breast cancer in young women more lives would be saved, as women would be diagnosed at an earlier stage! You'd be surprised how many think it doesn't happen to young women!

I know I'm lucky, and I'm alive, but I still have feelings that arn't all positive. For now I'm presuming what I'm feeling is a healthy moving on step, it won't last, but I needed it off my chest, a few people have noticed I've been a little quiet recently. So there it is. Xx

Cancerversary

15/05/2014, my 1st Cancerversary.

When you've had cancer you add an extra date to that list of "special dates", birthday, anniversary, cancerversary. It's a kind of acknowledgement and celebration that you're still alive and living. Counting the years since diagnosis day. It's one of those days you don't ever forget, ask me what I did one random date last year and I won't know, ask me about 15th May 2013 and I will be able to tell you so much about that one day in detail.

Well I've had my first, and I'm looking forward to the next! Feels a bit like winning the statistics and sticking two fingers up at cancer. I no longer dread getting older quite the same, I look forward to turning 30, 40, 50... It means I have survived.

Yes cancer is destructive, it sends a wrecking ball through your life and normality, but I have had so many positives these last 12 months. I have raised over £1000 for charity, donated my hair to be made into a wig for a child going through a similar experience, found out that I actually love my hair short, found out which friends matter (and those people that really don't), I am even more secure in the knowledge I have found my soulmate (if we can get through this and be closer than before then we can get though anything), I have more confidence and I have met some amazing people along the way. Those are the things I focus on when I'm having a tough day.

This year I made the 15th of May an amazing one to remember with a smile!

Every morning I wake up is a day where I beat cancer, told you I was too stubborn to lose...

A quick update

So I've not blogged for quite a while, I've been trying to get back into some form of "normality".
I've had a few appointments recently. I have been started on iron tablets, as my levels are on the lower end of normal, in the hope that this will make me less tired. I have also been diagnosed with lymphoedema in my breast which is a bit of a bummer. Bad boob is hard, red, hot, sore and swollen with the typical orange peel effect skin that comes with lymphoedema. Went to a special clinic yesterday and although it is not curable there are lots of treatment options to relieve the pain, I think they are going to do some special suctioning and taping, so watch this space (and don't be shocked if at some point in the near future my chest is covered with some funky coloured tape)!

My hair is now in a style that I love and looks like I have chosen to have it like this rather than forced into it. My eyelashes had mostly grown back but have since fallen out. I am told this is because pre-chemo lashes fall out and grow back on seperate cycles, as mine grew back all about the same time after chemo they are on the same cycle so it might take a few years for them to unsynchronise, thank goodness for eyeliner! My eyebrows are still growing fustratingly slowly but theres not much I can do about that.

My energy levels and physical abilities are a lot better than a few months ago, I have been regularly going swimming or doing a bit in the gym. Trying to get this chemo weight shifted!

I go back to work on Wednesday too on a long phased return so not to overload my body. This is a massive positive step forward. I am nervous, but so excited. My last shift was 14/05/14 and I'm going back on the 14/05/14, 12 whole months off. Psychologically it's good to go back exactly 12 months later as I feel like I am just picking up from where I left off.

Yep, that also makes it 12 months on Thursday since diagnosis!! Another blog post about that another time though.

I'm happy, and getting back to normal, and that feels amazing!

I've done it!!!

IVE ONLY GONE AND BLOODY DONE IT!!!!

I have finished 20 radiotherapy sessions!

This last 8 and a half months have been the toughest months of my life. My body has been battered from every angle, internally and externally, I have felt pain I never thought possible and have felt more ill than I probably ever will again throughout my entire life.

8 and a half months and I have had numerous scans, 3 operations, 6 chemotherapy sessions, 9 herceptin infusions, 2 tiny tattoo's, a picc insertion, a port insertion, a biopsy, a tumour marker insertion, too many needles, 20 radiotherapy sessions, a month of tamoxifen and more drugs than I could shake a stick at.

I have lost my hair, my nails, a few people I mistook as friends, 3 lymph nodes, lots of naughty cells and all of my dignity...

I have 9 herceptin infusions (yep, that makes me halfway through!) and 9 years 11 months of tamoxifen left to take. That however is nothing in the big picture. Now I think I am finally allowed to put the pieces of myself back into some kind of order, regain my dignity and most importantly LIVE!

Who would have thought it eh, little old me kicking cancers arse at 24! I am so proud of what I have achieved and so proud of what my body can go through yet still bounce back from. I would never have done it without the support of my fabulous family and friends, so a massive thank-you to each and every one of you!

I am a different person now from who I used to be. I will never "get back to normal", that version of me has gone forever. This new me is different... It currently can't manage certain things, has significantly more scars, a different outlook on life, a fear of reoccurrence and looks completely different. Strangely, however, I have a lot more confidence within myself than I have ever had, I think when you're stripped back and made to feel so raw you are forced into becoming more confident. I am less scared of doing or trying new things too, if I've made it through this then I can do anything I set my mind too, turns out Mum and Dad were right with that phrase all along! I think it has changed me for the better in many ways.

I will never, ever, forget what I have been through. I wouldn't want to, it is a huge event in my life, but I refuse to let it define who I am.

There are a whole range of things I have now got to deal with and try and get my head around, it has been a roller-coaster of change and emotions. I have been told that after breast cancer treatment it is about 18 months before people feel they have turned the corner and found their new self and happiness. I have a long way to go mentally. It is a very difficult thing to try and explain just how "moving on" feels, so I wont try. It's too big a feeling.

I will tell you though that the light at the end of that tunnel is beautiful and bright, just like I had imagined it to be!

Here's to life and living it! :D

Radiotherapy so far.

16 radiotherapy sessions down, 4 to go! I have finished the first stage of radiotherapy and have now started the booster sessions.

So far I've slowly become more and more tired as the days have gone on, which I'm told is normal and will continue for a couple of weeks after, I have also got what looks like a very badly sunburnt bad boob! It's very, very red, a bit warm and kills when i have pressure put on it like when i sleep. I have a radiation burn too, that bit hurts! It appears to be where my underwire has sat and aggravated that part of my skin more. I do try and take my bra off as much as possible and only wear it when I go out but it's still burnt. A couple of weeks after radiotherapy I have been told this will start to heal. I have been given some cream for it but ouchy nonetheless!

I still feel very emotional led on the table, I'm not 100% sure why,  I think it's a few things. I am sick and tired of having strangers poke my chest and move my body like I am a rag doll, I feel like the enormity and reality of the last 8 months has finally started to hit me, lying in that room staring at the ceiling is a very lonely experience and at 24 I simply feel it is not fair I am going through this. They seem to be the main feelings I have, unfortunately today as they had to do a scan before starting boosters I wasn't fully aware of where I would be in the machine, when it started to move, then I felt surrounded by it and had about 20cms above me that I could see through to the ceiling and that was it. I became very claustrophobic and completely overwhelmed by everything and started crying led there half naked. I managed to keep still and the radiotherapy was given, which to say how upset I was I am rather proud about managing strangely. I then sat up, had a good sob with a lovely radiotherapist and a box of tissues, and felt so much better for it!

4 to go, 4 to go, 4 to go... I can do this!

2 down, 13 or 18 to go!

Started radiotherapy yesterday so I've now had two sessions! I'm still not sure if I'm having 15 or 20 in total.

I have been told that I am most likely going to become tired towards the end of the treatments, I also need to take careful care of my skin in that area. No deodorant and no shaving under that arm for a while, which I'm not impressed about!

The whole process is very technical but very straight forward, I lie on a table, they move me about and shout lots of number's to each other and all I have to do is lie perfectly still. They then leave the room and the machine makes some noises, then moves and makes some more and that is it. Nothing to see, nothing to feel, nothing to smell. Simple.

I have on both sessions found myself sending death wishes to any cancerous or pre-cancerous cell that may have tried to survive so far, if any. Little crazy, but I sense it's good for my mental health.

The only thing is I become very emotional led there on that table, I have not yet cried but both times I have felt like doing. I'm not sure why. Whether it is a feeling of lack of control from my side of things, knowing I am taking another big step, not knowing exactly what it is doing, the fact I don't know how it will make me feel or it may simply just be caused by the complete change in my hormones. It's very hard to explain. I'm beginning to feel a little overwhelmed...

A New Year resolution for you to keep!

New Year's tends to be the time people make resolutions for the year ahead. Most of them are ones that are never stuck to.

This year I want you all to make one that you will keep. Check yourselves!

Any changes should be checked by your doctor, and don't be too embarrassed to go, they've seen it all before! Early detection increases survival and reduces the amount of treatment needed. Most importantly it could save your life, it's certainly saved mine.

It's so easy, once a month... That's only 12 times in a year! Easy peasy resolution!

http://www.breakthrough.org.uk/sites/default/files/media/About%20Breast%20Cancer/Breast%20cancer%20publications/Touch%20Look%20Check%20leaflet,%20Edition%202_0.pdf

So check, check, check!!!!

Happy New Year! Make 2014 a fabulous one! Xxx

Radiotherapy planning

Christmas eve afternoon involved a trip out to the hospital where I will be having radiotherapy.

It was a really simple appointment, few quick questions then I led on a special table with an arm slot above my head. They drew some crosses on my chest in marker pen, took a few measurements and did a CT scan in the position I was led in. The center of two crosses were marked with a permanent tattoo so i can be lined up for each radiotherapy session. I have one between my breast's, nicely hidden in my cleavage and one under my arm at the same level. Pretty sure given a couple of years I will momentarily forget what they are and mistake them for blackheads, they are that small.

It sounds like each session I will lie on a replica of that table, be lined up with the measurements and my tattoos then have the radiation fired at me.

Bit nervous about taking the first step on the next big part of my journey but also looking forward to getting it over and done with.

Very happy Christmas news!

Went to see my surgeon and breast care nurse today. The pathology report shows no cancerous or pre-cancerous (DCIS) cells, just fat necrosis, which is basically dead cells from my WLE operation. Amazing news!

My boob was also quite swollen and sore, they took the stitch out which stung a little, and he had a good feel, turns out I had a seroma (collection of fluid). So he stuck a huge needle in and syringed 200mls off! Needless to say it now feels much more comfortable despite stinging!

I have also started my course of tamoxifen, which in a strange way is rather scary. This is the tablet I will be taking every single day for the next 10 years of my life. The benefits of it are huge, but the possible side effects also sound horrible. It will put me into a very early menopause so I mainly have hot flushes and mood swings to look forward to. Heres hoping that's all the side effects I get though! I also need to be careful what other medicines I take alongside tamoxifen as they can decrease its effectiveness, which I don't want to do. I currently have labyrinthitis (viral inner ear infection) so I'm currently on tablets to stop me wobbling and going dizzy whilst my body fights it, luckily I am allowed both these together.

All in all it's blooming good news, and just in time for Christmas! Hopefully the only wobbling I will be doing now is from the alcohol Christmas celebrations! Have a good one folks. Xx