Angry and cross today

These last few days I have found myself feeling pretty cross and upset at the hospital that told me that lump was "just glandular" nearly 6 months before I got a proper diagnosis. It was a different trust to the one I have been receiving treatment at, they have been nothing short of fabulous! I know if's and but's don't change anything, but it still angers me.

Too many young women are being fobbed off and not tested as thouroughly as older women, just because of age. It's an all too familiar story in cancerland.

IF I had been diagnosed in the November I wouldn't have needed time off between then and my actual diagnosis date just because of infections caused by the cancer crashing my immune system, I would have been able to have surgery before chemo, giving me more options with regards to fertility, and also would probably have meant less surgery as my sentinel node biopsy would have been done at the same time as the lumpectomy. I often wonder if I had been diagnosed earlier would I have even needed chemotherapy, or would surgery and radiotherapy have been enough? This would have saved me the distress of hairloss and all the other horrific side effects, it also would have meant I would have needed less time off work and I would feel better now than I currently do. How much else would be different!

I know I am incredibly lucky to have got a diagnosis before it spread, but that was purely because I wasn't fully happy with what I was told first time round and my GP took my concerns on again a second time. If I had listened to what they had said I probably would be sat here now unknowingly riddled with the bugger! At the appointment in November I was the last patient in what seemed a very busy clinic that was about two hours behind plan. In other words, I think the staff were desperate to get home and finish, and hey, how many 23 year olds do you see with breast cancer! Pretty much like hens teeth arn't we! A quick ultrasound, no core biopsy or fine needle aspiration, and a quick "yeah, it's just glandular, nothing to worry about, any questions? No, you're discharged, we don't need to see you again, bye". No leaflets, no information, nothing! Hard to think of questions in such a rush, especially when youre relieved it's "nothing to worry about"!

No doubt all of you reading this are thinking being cross won't change things and I shouldn't be thinking about it. Sometimes thats extremely hard, my mind and body has been battered mentally and physically from every angle, being angry I suppose is part of the grieving process for the "old me". It makes me upset how often this is the case, GP's or breast clinics telling young women things are fine (my GP was wonderful both times, she took my concerns on and reacted despite my age). Maybe if more doctors were educated a little more about the prevalance of breast cancer in young women more lives would be saved, as women would be diagnosed at an earlier stage! You'd be surprised how many think it doesn't happen to young women!

I know I'm lucky, and I'm alive, but I still have feelings that arn't all positive. For now I'm presuming what I'm feeling is a healthy moving on step, it won't last, but I needed it off my chest, a few people have noticed I've been a little quiet recently. So there it is. Xx

Cancerversary

15/05/2014, my 1st Cancerversary.

When you've had cancer you add an extra date to that list of "special dates", birthday, anniversary, cancerversary. It's a kind of acknowledgement and celebration that you're still alive and living. Counting the years since diagnosis day. It's one of those days you don't ever forget, ask me what I did one random date last year and I won't know, ask me about 15th May 2013 and I will be able to tell you so much about that one day in detail.

Well I've had my first, and I'm looking forward to the next! Feels a bit like winning the statistics and sticking two fingers up at cancer. I no longer dread getting older quite the same, I look forward to turning 30, 40, 50... It means I have survived.

Yes cancer is destructive, it sends a wrecking ball through your life and normality, but I have had so many positives these last 12 months. I have raised over £1000 for charity, donated my hair to be made into a wig for a child going through a similar experience, found out that I actually love my hair short, found out which friends matter (and those people that really don't), I am even more secure in the knowledge I have found my soulmate (if we can get through this and be closer than before then we can get though anything), I have more confidence and I have met some amazing people along the way. Those are the things I focus on when I'm having a tough day.

This year I made the 15th of May an amazing one to remember with a smile!

Every morning I wake up is a day where I beat cancer, told you I was too stubborn to lose...