I am back at work full time, which is very tiring but makes me so happy; I have had an MRI and mammogram which have both been NED (no evidence of disease); I have hair again; I've lost 9kg of chemo weight despite being on tamoxifen; I have had my port-a-cath removed; and me and my boyfriend have bought our own little home and now live together.
I have also had some not so positive things: I get lots of infections in various places, I average one every 2 months which isn't brilliant and I have landed in the resus bay of my local a&e twice by blue light ambulance; I have lost some beautiful friends recently because of this shitty disease; I have lymphoedema which causes my bad boob to swell, become sore, numb and itchy and tamoxifen makes me itch everywhere and causes all my joints to crack like im 80. Just to name a few good and bad things.
Since having my port out I have struggled, and I feel like it's something I need to get off my chest and isn't something I should be ashamed of, in fact I should be proud of the fact I have been able to ask for help. Hence why I've decided to blog again.
So basically here goes...
I am admittedly a stubborn cow, which has probably helped me survive until now, but has also been my downfall as it took me a while to admit I was struggling. Having my port out felt like the full stop at the end of the cancer sentence, I had focused so much on this I didn't have to focus on how I felt about everything else. A few weeks after my port removal everything bubbled to a head as I had a massive breakdown over a cheese pie not cooking as quickly as I liked. Looking back I think I had been so in control of cooking and cleaning, probably too much with the cleaning. I couldn't cope with a sudden lack of control, which set me off on a massive breakdown/panic attack spiral. After lots and lots of tears I finally told my Mum and boyfriend that I felt like I had coped well for so long and now all of a sudden I felt I couldn't cope, I had lost control, and my bleaching and repetative actions had got significantly worse. I talked to some of the girls on my YBCN facebook support group about how I was feeling, turns out I am not the only one feeling like this and two years post diagnosis seems to be when a lot of women struggle with everything they have been through. Supported by my Mum and boyfriend, and knowing I wasn't on my own or stupid for feeling this way, I went to the GP who thinks I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Since then I have been started on antidepressants which help me function better, I have been referred for cognitive behavioural therapy which will apparently arm me with coping techniques and I have seen a psychologist who specialises in breast cancer psychology. She has helped me see that I haven't actually lost the plot and that all these feelings are normal after everything I have experienced. She has encouraged me to keep talking about cancer and everything else as that's how I will be able to sort it in my head. She has also helped me stop cleaning so much, as 3 hours bleaching the bathroom is completely unnecessary! So sorry if I talk about cancer a lot more from now on!
Since my first "breakdown" I have had a few more episodes and panic attacks, but talking about cancer and how I feel, which has helped massively.
I have so far only been able to tell very few people about all this, thankyou to each and every one of the people I have confided in, you have helped me realise I have nothing to be ashamed of, and this is all just a normal part of cancer treatment. I love you all xxx
