One month milestone!

So it's a month today since that horrible word was spat out into the open. I have cancer. That's something that comes as a shock at any age, no-body expects to hear it at 24. I've been on a whole rollercoaster of emotions since then. I've cried, laughed in disbelief, just about managed to stop myself cutting it out with a kitchen knife and probably been knocked to the bottom of every emotional scale going but I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by people who have pulled me out of that hole and given me a little (or big) nudge forward.

It's one of those things that doesn't seem to sink in very quickly, like I'm about to wake up from a nightmare at any moment. I think it hit last night. Yesterday I felt at the lowest I've been since this whole thing started. Yes I sobbed, and yes I felt sorry for myself. I will not deny that, but in this situation I feel that it is perfectly reasonable. I refuse to stay that low. I will not sit around moping until this is over! Some days i will, but I am only human afterall. I will live my life!

I also refuse to be defined by this, it is not MY cancer, and it never will be. It is that dirty great big spider in the corner of the room. It's scary, but I am bigger than it and I can defeat it. I will never be the woman who has cancer who happens to be 24 and a nurse. I am a 24 year old nurse, that is my identity, I happen to have cancer, so what?

The day I call the thing mine or accept it as part of my body is the day it has defeated me, and it will never, ever have the satisfaction of doing that.

Today is the day for pulling my socks up, getting the kick arse trainers out and getting out the house to live my life! Xx