Over the last year...

It's been a year since my last blog entry, so much has happened since then. I have realised I am never going to be the person I used to be so I'm trying to create and love my new "normal".

I am back at work full time, which is very tiring but makes me so happy; I have had an MRI and mammogram which have both been NED (no evidence of disease); I have hair again; I've lost 9kg of chemo weight despite being on tamoxifen; I have had my port-a-cath removed; and me and my boyfriend have bought our own little home and now live together.

I have also had some not so positive things: I get lots of infections in various places, I average one every 2 months which isn't brilliant and I have landed in the resus bay of my local a&e twice by blue light ambulance; I have lost some beautiful friends recently because of this shitty disease; I have lymphoedema which causes my bad boob to swell, become sore, numb and itchy and tamoxifen makes me itch everywhere and causes all my joints to crack like im 80. Just to name a few good and bad things.

Since having my port out I have struggled, and I feel like it's something I need to get off my chest and isn't something I should be ashamed of, in fact I should be proud of the fact I have been able to ask for help. Hence why I've decided to blog again.
So basically here goes...

I am admittedly a stubborn cow, which has probably helped me survive until now, but has also been my downfall as it took me a while to admit I was struggling. Having my port out felt like the full stop at the end of the cancer sentence, I had focused so much on this I didn't have to focus on how I felt about everything else. A few weeks after my port removal everything bubbled to a head as I had a massive breakdown over a cheese pie not cooking as quickly as I liked. Looking back I think I had been so in control of cooking and cleaning, probably too much with the cleaning. I couldn't cope with a sudden lack of control, which set me off on a massive breakdown/panic attack spiral. After lots and lots of tears I finally told my Mum and boyfriend that I felt like I had coped well for so long and now all of a sudden I felt I couldn't cope, I had lost control, and my bleaching and repetative actions had got significantly worse. I talked to some of the girls on my YBCN facebook support group about how I was feeling, turns out I am not the only one feeling like this and two years post diagnosis seems to be when a lot of women struggle with everything they have been through. Supported by my Mum and boyfriend, and knowing I wasn't on my own or stupid for feeling this way, I went to the GP who thinks I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Since then I have been started on antidepressants which help me function better, I have been referred for cognitive behavioural therapy which will apparently arm me with coping techniques and I have seen a psychologist who specialises in breast cancer psychology. She has helped me see that I haven't actually lost the plot and that all these feelings are normal after everything I have experienced. She has encouraged me to keep talking about cancer and everything else as that's how I will be able to sort it in my head. She has also helped me stop cleaning so much, as 3 hours bleaching the bathroom is completely unnecessary! So sorry if I talk about cancer a lot more from now on!

Since my first "breakdown" I have had a few more episodes and panic attacks, but talking about cancer and how I feel, which has helped massively.

I have so far only been able to tell very few people about all this, thankyou to each and every one of the people I have confided in, you have helped me realise I have nothing to be ashamed of, and this is all just a normal part of cancer treatment. I love you all xxx

Angry and cross today

These last few days I have found myself feeling pretty cross and upset at the hospital that told me that lump was "just glandular" nearly 6 months before I got a proper diagnosis. It was a different trust to the one I have been receiving treatment at, they have been nothing short of fabulous! I know if's and but's don't change anything, but it still angers me.

Too many young women are being fobbed off and not tested as thouroughly as older women, just because of age. It's an all too familiar story in cancerland.

IF I had been diagnosed in the November I wouldn't have needed time off between then and my actual diagnosis date just because of infections caused by the cancer crashing my immune system, I would have been able to have surgery before chemo, giving me more options with regards to fertility, and also would probably have meant less surgery as my sentinel node biopsy would have been done at the same time as the lumpectomy. I often wonder if I had been diagnosed earlier would I have even needed chemotherapy, or would surgery and radiotherapy have been enough? This would have saved me the distress of hairloss and all the other horrific side effects, it also would have meant I would have needed less time off work and I would feel better now than I currently do. How much else would be different!

I know I am incredibly lucky to have got a diagnosis before it spread, but that was purely because I wasn't fully happy with what I was told first time round and my GP took my concerns on again a second time. If I had listened to what they had said I probably would be sat here now unknowingly riddled with the bugger! At the appointment in November I was the last patient in what seemed a very busy clinic that was about two hours behind plan. In other words, I think the staff were desperate to get home and finish, and hey, how many 23 year olds do you see with breast cancer! Pretty much like hens teeth arn't we! A quick ultrasound, no core biopsy or fine needle aspiration, and a quick "yeah, it's just glandular, nothing to worry about, any questions? No, you're discharged, we don't need to see you again, bye". No leaflets, no information, nothing! Hard to think of questions in such a rush, especially when youre relieved it's "nothing to worry about"!

No doubt all of you reading this are thinking being cross won't change things and I shouldn't be thinking about it. Sometimes thats extremely hard, my mind and body has been battered mentally and physically from every angle, being angry I suppose is part of the grieving process for the "old me". It makes me upset how often this is the case, GP's or breast clinics telling young women things are fine (my GP was wonderful both times, she took my concerns on and reacted despite my age). Maybe if more doctors were educated a little more about the prevalance of breast cancer in young women more lives would be saved, as women would be diagnosed at an earlier stage! You'd be surprised how many think it doesn't happen to young women!

I know I'm lucky, and I'm alive, but I still have feelings that arn't all positive. For now I'm presuming what I'm feeling is a healthy moving on step, it won't last, but I needed it off my chest, a few people have noticed I've been a little quiet recently. So there it is. Xx

Cancerversary

15/05/2014, my 1st Cancerversary.

When you've had cancer you add an extra date to that list of "special dates", birthday, anniversary, cancerversary. It's a kind of acknowledgement and celebration that you're still alive and living. Counting the years since diagnosis day. It's one of those days you don't ever forget, ask me what I did one random date last year and I won't know, ask me about 15th May 2013 and I will be able to tell you so much about that one day in detail.

Well I've had my first, and I'm looking forward to the next! Feels a bit like winning the statistics and sticking two fingers up at cancer. I no longer dread getting older quite the same, I look forward to turning 30, 40, 50... It means I have survived.

Yes cancer is destructive, it sends a wrecking ball through your life and normality, but I have had so many positives these last 12 months. I have raised over £1000 for charity, donated my hair to be made into a wig for a child going through a similar experience, found out that I actually love my hair short, found out which friends matter (and those people that really don't), I am even more secure in the knowledge I have found my soulmate (if we can get through this and be closer than before then we can get though anything), I have more confidence and I have met some amazing people along the way. Those are the things I focus on when I'm having a tough day.

This year I made the 15th of May an amazing one to remember with a smile!

Every morning I wake up is a day where I beat cancer, told you I was too stubborn to lose...

A quick update

So I've not blogged for quite a while, I've been trying to get back into some form of "normality".
I've had a few appointments recently. I have been started on iron tablets, as my levels are on the lower end of normal, in the hope that this will make me less tired. I have also been diagnosed with lymphoedema in my breast which is a bit of a bummer. Bad boob is hard, red, hot, sore and swollen with the typical orange peel effect skin that comes with lymphoedema. Went to a special clinic yesterday and although it is not curable there are lots of treatment options to relieve the pain, I think they are going to do some special suctioning and taping, so watch this space (and don't be shocked if at some point in the near future my chest is covered with some funky coloured tape)!

My hair is now in a style that I love and looks like I have chosen to have it like this rather than forced into it. My eyelashes had mostly grown back but have since fallen out. I am told this is because pre-chemo lashes fall out and grow back on seperate cycles, as mine grew back all about the same time after chemo they are on the same cycle so it might take a few years for them to unsynchronise, thank goodness for eyeliner! My eyebrows are still growing fustratingly slowly but theres not much I can do about that.

My energy levels and physical abilities are a lot better than a few months ago, I have been regularly going swimming or doing a bit in the gym. Trying to get this chemo weight shifted!

I go back to work on Wednesday too on a long phased return so not to overload my body. This is a massive positive step forward. I am nervous, but so excited. My last shift was 14/05/14 and I'm going back on the 14/05/14, 12 whole months off. Psychologically it's good to go back exactly 12 months later as I feel like I am just picking up from where I left off.

Yep, that also makes it 12 months on Thursday since diagnosis!! Another blog post about that another time though.

I'm happy, and getting back to normal, and that feels amazing!

I've done it!!!

IVE ONLY GONE AND BLOODY DONE IT!!!!

I have finished 20 radiotherapy sessions!

This last 8 and a half months have been the toughest months of my life. My body has been battered from every angle, internally and externally, I have felt pain I never thought possible and have felt more ill than I probably ever will again throughout my entire life.

8 and a half months and I have had numerous scans, 3 operations, 6 chemotherapy sessions, 9 herceptin infusions, 2 tiny tattoo's, a picc insertion, a port insertion, a biopsy, a tumour marker insertion, too many needles, 20 radiotherapy sessions, a month of tamoxifen and more drugs than I could shake a stick at.

I have lost my hair, my nails, a few people I mistook as friends, 3 lymph nodes, lots of naughty cells and all of my dignity...

I have 9 herceptin infusions (yep, that makes me halfway through!) and 9 years 11 months of tamoxifen left to take. That however is nothing in the big picture. Now I think I am finally allowed to put the pieces of myself back into some kind of order, regain my dignity and most importantly LIVE!

Who would have thought it eh, little old me kicking cancers arse at 24! I am so proud of what I have achieved and so proud of what my body can go through yet still bounce back from. I would never have done it without the support of my fabulous family and friends, so a massive thank-you to each and every one of you!

I am a different person now from who I used to be. I will never "get back to normal", that version of me has gone forever. This new me is different... It currently can't manage certain things, has significantly more scars, a different outlook on life, a fear of reoccurrence and looks completely different. Strangely, however, I have a lot more confidence within myself than I have ever had, I think when you're stripped back and made to feel so raw you are forced into becoming more confident. I am less scared of doing or trying new things too, if I've made it through this then I can do anything I set my mind too, turns out Mum and Dad were right with that phrase all along! I think it has changed me for the better in many ways.

I will never, ever, forget what I have been through. I wouldn't want to, it is a huge event in my life, but I refuse to let it define who I am.

There are a whole range of things I have now got to deal with and try and get my head around, it has been a roller-coaster of change and emotions. I have been told that after breast cancer treatment it is about 18 months before people feel they have turned the corner and found their new self and happiness. I have a long way to go mentally. It is a very difficult thing to try and explain just how "moving on" feels, so I wont try. It's too big a feeling.

I will tell you though that the light at the end of that tunnel is beautiful and bright, just like I had imagined it to be!

Here's to life and living it! :D

Radiotherapy so far.

16 radiotherapy sessions down, 4 to go! I have finished the first stage of radiotherapy and have now started the booster sessions.

So far I've slowly become more and more tired as the days have gone on, which I'm told is normal and will continue for a couple of weeks after, I have also got what looks like a very badly sunburnt bad boob! It's very, very red, a bit warm and kills when i have pressure put on it like when i sleep. I have a radiation burn too, that bit hurts! It appears to be where my underwire has sat and aggravated that part of my skin more. I do try and take my bra off as much as possible and only wear it when I go out but it's still burnt. A couple of weeks after radiotherapy I have been told this will start to heal. I have been given some cream for it but ouchy nonetheless!

I still feel very emotional led on the table, I'm not 100% sure why,  I think it's a few things. I am sick and tired of having strangers poke my chest and move my body like I am a rag doll, I feel like the enormity and reality of the last 8 months has finally started to hit me, lying in that room staring at the ceiling is a very lonely experience and at 24 I simply feel it is not fair I am going through this. They seem to be the main feelings I have, unfortunately today as they had to do a scan before starting boosters I wasn't fully aware of where I would be in the machine, when it started to move, then I felt surrounded by it and had about 20cms above me that I could see through to the ceiling and that was it. I became very claustrophobic and completely overwhelmed by everything and started crying led there half naked. I managed to keep still and the radiotherapy was given, which to say how upset I was I am rather proud about managing strangely. I then sat up, had a good sob with a lovely radiotherapist and a box of tissues, and felt so much better for it!

4 to go, 4 to go, 4 to go... I can do this!

2 down, 13 or 18 to go!

Started radiotherapy yesterday so I've now had two sessions! I'm still not sure if I'm having 15 or 20 in total.

I have been told that I am most likely going to become tired towards the end of the treatments, I also need to take careful care of my skin in that area. No deodorant and no shaving under that arm for a while, which I'm not impressed about!

The whole process is very technical but very straight forward, I lie on a table, they move me about and shout lots of number's to each other and all I have to do is lie perfectly still. They then leave the room and the machine makes some noises, then moves and makes some more and that is it. Nothing to see, nothing to feel, nothing to smell. Simple.

I have on both sessions found myself sending death wishes to any cancerous or pre-cancerous cell that may have tried to survive so far, if any. Little crazy, but I sense it's good for my mental health.

The only thing is I become very emotional led there on that table, I have not yet cried but both times I have felt like doing. I'm not sure why. Whether it is a feeling of lack of control from my side of things, knowing I am taking another big step, not knowing exactly what it is doing, the fact I don't know how it will make me feel or it may simply just be caused by the complete change in my hormones. It's very hard to explain. I'm beginning to feel a little overwhelmed...

A New Year resolution for you to keep!

New Year's tends to be the time people make resolutions for the year ahead. Most of them are ones that are never stuck to.

This year I want you all to make one that you will keep. Check yourselves!

Any changes should be checked by your doctor, and don't be too embarrassed to go, they've seen it all before! Early detection increases survival and reduces the amount of treatment needed. Most importantly it could save your life, it's certainly saved mine.

It's so easy, once a month... That's only 12 times in a year! Easy peasy resolution!

http://www.breakthrough.org.uk/sites/default/files/media/About%20Breast%20Cancer/Breast%20cancer%20publications/Touch%20Look%20Check%20leaflet,%20Edition%202_0.pdf

So check, check, check!!!!

Happy New Year! Make 2014 a fabulous one! Xxx

Radiotherapy planning

Christmas eve afternoon involved a trip out to the hospital where I will be having radiotherapy.

It was a really simple appointment, few quick questions then I led on a special table with an arm slot above my head. They drew some crosses on my chest in marker pen, took a few measurements and did a CT scan in the position I was led in. The center of two crosses were marked with a permanent tattoo so i can be lined up for each radiotherapy session. I have one between my breast's, nicely hidden in my cleavage and one under my arm at the same level. Pretty sure given a couple of years I will momentarily forget what they are and mistake them for blackheads, they are that small.

It sounds like each session I will lie on a replica of that table, be lined up with the measurements and my tattoos then have the radiation fired at me.

Bit nervous about taking the first step on the next big part of my journey but also looking forward to getting it over and done with.

Very happy Christmas news!

Went to see my surgeon and breast care nurse today. The pathology report shows no cancerous or pre-cancerous (DCIS) cells, just fat necrosis, which is basically dead cells from my WLE operation. Amazing news!

My boob was also quite swollen and sore, they took the stitch out which stung a little, and he had a good feel, turns out I had a seroma (collection of fluid). So he stuck a huge needle in and syringed 200mls off! Needless to say it now feels much more comfortable despite stinging!

I have also started my course of tamoxifen, which in a strange way is rather scary. This is the tablet I will be taking every single day for the next 10 years of my life. The benefits of it are huge, but the possible side effects also sound horrible. It will put me into a very early menopause so I mainly have hot flushes and mood swings to look forward to. Heres hoping that's all the side effects I get though! I also need to be careful what other medicines I take alongside tamoxifen as they can decrease its effectiveness, which I don't want to do. I currently have labyrinthitis (viral inner ear infection) so I'm currently on tablets to stop me wobbling and going dizzy whilst my body fights it, luckily I am allowed both these together.

All in all it's blooming good news, and just in time for Christmas! Hopefully the only wobbling I will be doing now is from the alcohol Christmas celebrations! Have a good one folks. Xx

Cavity shave operation and results!

Last Monday I had a cavity shave operation. They basically went back in the incision from my wide local excision and took a bit more tissue out. If this wasn't enough I would need a mastectomy, the thought of which terrifies me.

The operation went well and I went home the same day. Had a lot of pain to start with that painkillers didn't touch the pain. I managed about 10 minutes sleep at the start of the night then woke up with no pain. Looked at my dressing and it was saturated in blood. After a little panic and a phonecall to the out of hours nurse I changed my dressing, put a pressure dressing on and went back to bed. Me and the nurse think I may have had a collection of blood that just needed to find a way out.

Since then it seems to be healing well and I have minimal pain.

Today my fabulous, fabulous surgeon phoned me personally to let me know that the results have come back and they're good! Which means no mastectomy!!! He is going to discuss them more with me on Monday when I have my stitch out, but it is fabulous news!

This also means I am now classed as having NED! Which means no evidence of disease! Which is as close to the stereotypical "all clear" that I will ever get!

Fabulous results in perfect time for Christmas! Xx

Radiotherapy, tamoxifen and a good few tears.

On Tuesday I had a meeting with one of my oncologist's, this was primarily to discuss plans for radiotherapy.

The plan as far as I understand it is that I will have my next planning appointment in the next 30 days and start at some point in January. This planning appointment means a CT scan and maybe some x-rays, then I will have three permanent tattoo's. These will be about the size of a biro dot so not noticeable (I hope), they are used to make sure the radiotherapy is fired exactly at the right point, therefore preventing too much damage to healthy cells.

I will have 15 session's and possibly 5 extra booster sessions. This is every weekday for 3-4 weeks, about 30-40 miles from home as the equipment is stupidly expensive so only bigger hospital's have them.

The main side effects are tiredness due to the body having to repair damaged healthy cells, and redness/ peeling/ soreness/ breaking down of the skin. To prevent this I need to use E45 religiously, use baby soap, avoid deodorant and avoid shaving under that arm (eww!). These side effects will continue to peak about 10-15 days after treatment I am told.

All in all sounds pretty straight forward! Looking forward to getting that stage out the way!

We also discussed the herceptin I am having as I am having a couple of side effects. Not much I can do about that other than painkiller's and antihistamine's, something to do with how the antibodies are broken down.

I asked about my chances of survival and the scary chances of reoccurrence and both seem extremely positive numbers! They have a magic computer system that when they put tumour statistics in it spits out some figures. With all the treatment they suggest, I have about a 98% chance of being alive in 10 years!!! Woop to me! Computer system seemed to think it was more likely something else would get me! Chances of it never coming back were also about as high (I forget the number as there were so many figures). I am bloody lucky! I know there are no guarantees, these figures are just a guide, but they seem hugely positive!

The first thing we spoke about in this appointment however was hormone therapy. As the cancer cell's I had fed on my oestrogen and progesterone the best way to help prevent another tumour is to cut these off, therefore forcing me into an early menopause! (Cue the mood swing's and hot flushes). I have to start these in 2-3 week's and carry that on for a whole 10 years! If these do not successfully put me into the menopause then I will need an injection of an implant as well (I think this is every three months) to again cut my hormones further.

The reason I have taken a few day's to write this and have left it till last is because it has taken a few days for me to get my head around. He threw out the sentence "to kill your ovaries off", this sent me into a huge spiral and resulted in me sobbing for a good hour there and another hour when I got home. I managed to ask him what he meant, and as they are putting me into an early menopause there is no guarantee that my body will crawl back out of that. He also said that my consultant oncologist and fertility consultant were wrong in saying I can stop this after 2 years to try for a baby and then continue the rest of the course after I give birth.

As you can imagine at 24 this was a massive blow, and for the first time in all this shit I said to a doctor that I didn't want the treatment. Looking back I feel stupid and cross at myself for saying this, and I didn't mean it, my health at the end of the day is too important, and there are other ways of having a family. I still took the prescription though.

I do however feel he forgot how young I was, as he looked back through my notes and commented on my age, then said under 30 you have a 70-80% chance of fertility returning (which is a huge chance to me). I suppose after dealing with the regular older population with breast cancer it is difficult to remember I am over half the age of the rest of them. I have been naughty and have done lots of googling, thanks to my nursey side I have only looked at evidential and reliable information and avoided those scare articles. Everything seems to be positive, I have age on my side. The group I am part of on Facebook have also been very positive, I trust them. Turn's out both drugs are used to try and help treat infertility too... So I have taken a few days to try and brush off the "kill your ovaries" comment and get back onto my positive track!

Which is good timing, christmas do with my beautiful work friend's tonight!! I'm ready to make it a good one and celebrate the 98% chance of being alive in 10 years! I'll drink to that! Xx

Genetics results!

Absolutely perfect Monday!!

The gene they tested for has come back as negative, it's a huge relief!

Geneticist says it highly unlikely to be either of the BRCA genes, it could be another they don't test for, but even they won't be as bad as the TP53 could have been.

Looks like it could all be a simple case of big boob, bad cell!

So incredibly happy!

Now for the celebrations...

Results!!

This morning I received my bone scan results and operation results.

The bone scan showed no sign of spread into my bones, which is a huge relief. The peculiar patches must just have been the damage caused by chemo.

As for my operation. They took a huge lump of tissue (9.4 cm x 7 cm x 5 cm i believe, 149 grams) as the MRI and mammogram showed a big shadow and they have to remove a certain amount of healthy tissue around it too, to make sure nothing nasty is left behind.

I had a ductal carcinoma, which is where the cancer spreads out of the duct and surrounds it, creating what was the huge lump. In all the tissue removed when it was tested there were no remaining cancer cells!! 

Yey for chemo! It's done an amazing job.

Within the affected duct they found DCIS (ductal carcinoma in-situ). This is pre-cancerous cells, ones that could potentially become cancerous. They have good margins round most of it, just on one side the cells are too close to the edge of the sample. Meaning I need another operation in two weeks to have a cavity shave. Removing a little more tissue to ensure theres nothing nasty left over that could become cancerous in the future.

If there is a visible difference cosmetically (which there isn't at the moment), I may be able to have lipo remodelling, this, I think, is where they inject some of my body fat into the dint to kind of bulk it back up.

Thank goodness I have more than my fair share of boobs eh!

My stitch has been removed and the scar looks like it will be barely visible!

All in all a bloody good morning!!

Now to keep my fingers crossed that genetics this afternoon goes well... Xx

6 months!

6 months today since that dreaded word "cancer" became a huge part of my life and named itself as the opponent of the biggest, and most difficult, fight I'll probably ever face.

It's true that you don't hear anything after that word, all I remember from that room is "cancer" and "You'll lose your hair". I probably did a pretty good impression of a goldfish as those words hit me like a slow motion train crash.

The last 6 months has been a huge roller-coaster of emotions and appointments. I have had two operations, 6 doses of chemotherapy and 5 doses of herceptin.

I have also changed as a person, physically and mentally. I have found that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined and I have more willpower than I believed. My body has fought and has not let me down.

I will keep rolling the punches out as I have more herceptin, radiotherapy, tamoxifen and possibly further surgery.

6 months!

Today, I am winning.

Wide Local Excision (WLE) operation.

Monday I had my wide local excision (WLE or lumpectomy).

Firstly I had to have a wire placed in my bad boob so my surgeon knew exactly where to look for the nasty lump. This required a mammogram to see exactly where the lump was, then I was sat down in front of the mammogram machine and positioned, another mammogram was taken but this time it didn't let me go. For those that have not had a mammogram, it hurts! Imagine your breast being squashed and squashed and squashed until you become seriously worried that it won't stop and your breast will explode, that pretty much explains it. Now imagine you're left in that torture device whilst someone puts a local anaesthetic in with a needle and then threads a wire through your breast. Ouchy! With the wire poking out I was freed, stood up and had to have another mammogram to check the final wire placement. I am rather surprised i was not completely bruised the day after!

This unsurprisingly was the start of the tears for the day.

Next I had to wait to be taken to theatre, a good few hours later. 3.20pm I went down to the anaesthetic room and said bye to my mum. My surgeon came to see me in the anaesthetic room, he had a look at my wire placement and said that that lump looked bigger than they expected on the mammogram and I will need a mastectomy if there are too many cells in the report from this operation. He did however feel that a WLE was the right operation to start with, but to me didn't sound too positive about me not needing further surgery.

The anaesthetist was a lovely man, unfortunately he said chemo has ruined my veins despite me having a PICC / port-a-cath from the off, meaning it was difficult to cannulate me. After two attempts in my good arm he had to resort to using my bad arm (I am meant to try and avoid injections, cannulas and blood pressures etc on my right arm as I have had lymph nodes removed). The stress from all this made me cry. I'd love to have a week off from all this rubbish! I had a nurse who held my hand again while I fell asleep, you really can't get much better patient-centered care than that!

I woke up very spaced out, woozy and feeling very sick. So I was given two lots of anti-sickness medicines through another cannula they had put in in theatre in my good arm, and fell asleep while I was taken to the ward. 5.30pm I arrived back on the ward to my mum and boyfriend waiting for me. Turns out the sickness and woozyness was caused by morphine, which also managed to drop my blood pressure, heart rate, oxygen levels and temperature. One nurse didn't believe my temperature was 34.6 so took another reading and promptly wrapped me in two blankets, my dressing gown and a wooly hat! I had to keep my oxygen on and had a lovely, drug induced, snooze.

Once all my numbers were up I was allowed to get up, have my dressing changed and got dressed. I managed all this so got discharged home at about 9.15pm.

I am now well dosed up on painkillers as I am quite sore, I am resting lots but also doing my required exercises. I have a huge dressing covering the incision (no picture sorry as it would be too revealing!) and I have a two week wait to find out if all this was all unnecessary or not. I'm keeping everything crossed that I do not need a mastectomy!

MRI results... One thing after another!

Yesterday I had an appointment with my surgical consultant followed by herceptin.

The surgical appointment wasn't exactly to what I wanted to hear. He still wants to go ahead with a lumpectomy, which is what I want. It sounds like chemo has changed that 6cm lump on the last MRI to a 4cm shadow on the recent one, some of this he feels could possibly be the reaction of the cells on the outside of the lump to the cancer cells. We won't know this until the results come back from testing after the op though. That second suspicious patch wasn't visible this time! If there are too many viable cancer cells I will need a mastectomy, which I do not want, at all! Not that I have a choice like. As I have a "larger bust" (his words not mine) it shouldn't really be that noticeable that I have had a chunk that big cut out.

I find it strange that just a 2cm reduction can result in such a palpable difference. It has gone from being visible without having to feel, to only just being able to find it!

I found a long dint/groove in bad boob a week and a half ago, which made me panic (a taster of what I'm going to feel like every time I find something funny with my boobs in future). He had a look and feels it is just due to pesky fluid retention that I am already on tablets for.

The other unexpected thing was that he started asking if I have had any strange aches or pains in my arms. I have had really sore hips and legs since chemo which I mostly put down to chemo and fluid retention. My arms have also had the odd ache and I have a few times had a sharp pain in what feels like the bones in my hands and feet, only about 2-4 times a week lasting 30 secs-1 min which I thought again was chemo. Can only describe it as somewhere in the middle of standing on a needle and standing on a plug! Turns out that due to the positioning when I have had my MRI my upper arms have been on the scan. This has shown some "peculiar" patches on the bones in my upper arms which means I will need another bone scan to see what's going on in there. He feels it is unlikely to be cancer cells as my node test came back with no evidence of cells, as did my bone scan before chemo. It could all just be caused by the effects of chemo, which goes to show just how much all this treatment affects your body! Keeping everything crossed that it is just chemo. Doesn't stop me worrying.

Herceptin all went ok. 5 down, 13 to go! Stupidly forgot to put my "magic cream" over my port therefore the needle going in blooming hurt!

In other news I have had a few eye problems recently, after a trip to A&E and then eye clinic it turned out to be an advanced allergy to something, I think again probably caused by chemo. Three sets of drops later they feel much better. Think I have also hit the chemopause, I don't like the sound of menopause at 24! Same symptoms though, hot flushes arn't much fun!

All in all a pretty rubbish day yesterday and yet more waiting and probably worrying... Xx

Post-chemo celebration's and the start of new hair!

Been doing lots of celebrating and living this last week and a half!

My fabulous work friends very generously got me a "spa day", I saved this and booked it for the end of chemotherapy as something to focus on and look forward too. So last Friday me and my beautiful Mum went, we had an amazing day! For the first time in a very long time I felt fully relaxed and felt like a human again, and almost completely forgot about this cancer stuff! Was lovely to be able to see my Mum having a good day too as she has spent so long these last few months seeing me unwell and taking time off work to come to horrible appointments. I followed this with a Chinese and some wine with my Mum and boyfriend. All in all a perfect day.

Saturday me and the boyfriend took a trip to the Trafford centre, had a look round lush and bought the hair products I've had my eye on since before chemo! Hair growth products! "Roots" which is good for forcing head massages out of people smells minty and the "new bar" which is a shampoo bar containing cinnamon, both are meant to encourage hair follicles to grow. Fingers crossed it works, even if it doesn't at least my head will smell lovely.

I have had three lunch dates too, one with a close friend, one with a few of the girls from work with their babies and one with my boyfriend, beautiful best friend and gorgeous god-daughter.

Thursday (24th October) I had a, hopefully final, head shave as it was exactly one month post last chemo. My hair seems to now be coming through pretty evenly so I'm letting it grow wild. Going to try and take regular photos so i can see how quickly it's growing. These are pictures from the 24th of my hair, brows and lashes.

Oh, and I now have 3 lashes, they still seem to be dropping along with my eyebrows, hoping it wont be long before they grow back.

Here's to hair-growth and happiness! Xx

My little pinktober rant

Pinktober? No! Im sorry, but all this pink fluffy shit really gets on my tits!!! Breast cancer isn't pink and isn't fluffy! Its serious and it's horrid, physically and psychologically. For starters its a 24/7, 365 day a year thing it doesn't last 1 month like pinktober, men get breast cancer too and shops selling "pink" things often only give 10-20% of the price to charity! Fair enough, go out dressed in pink or hold a pink party and give all your donations directly to a breast cancer charity, but you going out without a bra for a day really doesnt support me, more like makes me feel sicker than I already do! What does help me as a cancer suffer is knowing you lot check yourselves regularly and act when something isnt right. And if you have some spare change, read what area of cancer each charity does (research, support for patients etc) and give it to them!! Xx

Do I rattle when I walk?

Having chemo does not mean you have just the chemo drugs, you have drugs for the side effects of chemo and sometimes you need drugs for the side effects of those drugs! Thought I would compile a list of everything I have taken (or at least remember taking) since I started chemotherapy. Obviously as people react differently no two people will have matching lists, plus I am a whimp. So here goes...

Fluorouacil (5FU), Epirubicin, Cyclophosphamide and Taxotere (docetaxel) are the 5 chemo drugs I had. FEC for the first three doses, tax for the last three all given into a vein (IV). Herceptin, also given IV, is an immunotherapy drug, which makes it another cancer "arse kicking" drug. Saline, IV, lots and lots of it, used to flush the lines used during chemotherapy and to flush my port. Neulasta was a 0.6ml jab into my tummy once 24 hours after every chemo (6 in total). Very expensive for such a tiny amount, but does an amazing job! It prevents my blood levels dropping too low for too long in the middle of each cycle. It boosts my bone marrow to produce more cells which caused bone ache, mainly in my hips and thighs. Dexamethasone, given both by mouth (orally) and IV. This is a steroid which is used during FEC as an antisickness and during tax at a higher dose to prevent allergic reactions. Weight gain and inability to sleep were the main side effects, the higher dose kind of makes you a bit manic! Never been so hyperactive. Ondansetron, IV and oral; Metroclopramide, IV and oral; Cyclizine; Buccastem (prochlorperazine) and Emend (Aprepitant) are all anti-sickness tablets. Emend is specially made for chemotherapy sickness and was brilliant. Laxido, Lactulose and Dulcolax (Bisacodyl) were all for constipation, FEC and anti-sickness tablets are extremely good at making you constipated. Which then leads to anal fissure's (do NOT google that if you're eating or have a sensitive disposition!). After talking to many other women undergoing chemotherapy it seems this is sadly very common, but never mentioned by the oncologist. Pain is not the word, very close to passing out on some occasions. Two separate GP trips in desperation and I was given Uniroid ointment, and then stronger Ultraproct ointment. Buscopan (Hyoscine) for stomach cramps and Imodium (Loperamide) for when I wasn't quite so constipated thanks to tax and antibiotics. Lots and lots of Paracetamol and Ibuprofen for pain. Codeine tablets for bone and muscle pain on tax. Anbesol and Benzydamine spray for mouth ulcers and sores. Ametop, Emla and Ethyl chloride (cryogesic cold spray) because I'm a whimp and hate needles, these all numb the skin. Ametop is the best one for me. Midazolam IV when I had my port inserted to make me a bit woozy. Sore, red, itchy and watery eyes led to me needing both Sodium cromoglicate 2% eye drops and Chloramphenicol 0.5% eye drops. Fluclonazole, anti-fungal tablets for thrush both "upstairs and downstairs" (as my oncologist kindly worded it) is very common due to the chemical inbalance caused by chemo, I was also given Canesten cream (Clotrimazole). Co-amoxiclav IV; Meropenem IV; 4 courses of Flucloxacillin and finally 2 courses of Amoxicillin all antibiotics. Firstly a nasty insect bite landed me in hospital for one night and a few days later I ended up in A&E for the day too. I have ingrown toenails and was due to have these sorted on the day I was diagnosed but had to cancel my appointment, they will not do toenail surgery whilst I'm undergoing cancer treatment so they've been left. This has led to them becoming infected when my immunity dipped. Finally I got a cold which led to a chest infection. Think I did pretty well only needing one night and one day in hospital throughout my whole chemo!

37 drugs there!

These are the best three of my own "non-medicinal" side effect busters that I feel deserve a little mention.

XXX trebor mints are wonderful for sickness. Guinness to boost iron levels as they dropped with each chemo. Anything to avoid a blood transfusion eh! Lastly, the marvellous Pineapple, fresh non concentrated is the best. It works better than anything at preventing and healing mouth ulcers and sores!

On the plus side, I'm a nurse, I feel when I am finally back at work the first hand experience of what each of these drugs does to your body may come in handy! Xx