Brilliant news!

Finally got some good news on Thursday!!! I went to have a bead marker inserted into the second lump that was found on MRI and to have it properly looked at on ultrasound. They had a really good look and couldnt find even the smallest hint of anything nasty, so they think the second "lump" was probably just due to hormones! Which not only meant I didn't need a second bead but also means I am only fighting one lump!!!

Secretly sent that nasty lump death wish thoughts throughout the whole ultrasound, every little helps I suppose!

Was like a cheshire cat all the way home after that fabulous news! Definitely a much needed boost! Xx

Before and after :)

Before...

After...

Head shaving party! :)

I had my head shaved!

Chemo attacks dividing cells, which means it not only attacks that lump but also attacks some of my healthy cells, which includes hair follicles. This unfortunately means that my hair will ultimately fall out. As a bit of a control freak I cannot stand the thought of waking up with it on my pillow or it all washing down the plughole. For this reason I decided to have a head shaving party!

My hair was long enough to donate to little princesses http://www.littleprincesses.org.uk/and I also did a bit of fundraising for two charities, so far raised over £1000! Much better than letting it fall out in my eyes.

I was completely overwhelmed by the number of people who came to support me and donate! The pub was packed! So a massive thank-you to all those people, knowing I have such a big support network helps the fight.

I actually really quite like it! Massive relief... My head is not boy shaped!

Pro list of having a shaved head:

• Showering is much easier.
• I dont need to worry my hair is a mess when I dont feel well enough to shower.
• I will save a small fortune on hair products.
• My hair will be given to a child who needs it.
• I have managed to raise for something that would have happened naturally.
• I dont have to go through the heartbreak of watching it fall out.
• Its a perfect excuse for shopping! I need scarves!

Cons:

• Its a little chilly.
• Its a big change to the children i know which is a little scary at first (the fairies will slowly grow it all back though).

Now to wait for this stubble to fall out before the head polishing jokes start! Xx

One month milestone!

So it's a month today since that horrible word was spat out into the open. I have cancer. That's something that comes as a shock at any age, no-body expects to hear it at 24. I've been on a whole rollercoaster of emotions since then. I've cried, laughed in disbelief, just about managed to stop myself cutting it out with a kitchen knife and probably been knocked to the bottom of every emotional scale going but I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by people who have pulled me out of that hole and given me a little (or big) nudge forward.

It's one of those things that doesn't seem to sink in very quickly, like I'm about to wake up from a nightmare at any moment. I think it hit last night. Yesterday I felt at the lowest I've been since this whole thing started. Yes I sobbed, and yes I felt sorry for myself. I will not deny that, but in this situation I feel that it is perfectly reasonable. I refuse to stay that low. I will not sit around moping until this is over! Some days i will, but I am only human afterall. I will live my life!

I also refuse to be defined by this, it is not MY cancer, and it never will be. It is that dirty great big spider in the corner of the room. It's scary, but I am bigger than it and I can defeat it. I will never be the woman who has cancer who happens to be 24 and a nurse. I am a 24 year old nurse, that is my identity, I happen to have cancer, so what?

The day I call the thing mine or accept it as part of my body is the day it has defeated me, and it will never, ever have the satisfaction of doing that.

Today is the day for pulling my socks up, getting the kick arse trainers out and getting out the house to live my life! Xx

Silly body!

Lost the positiveness a little again today, need some good news in my life!

Instead I woke up with blood on my PICC line dressing, turns out im allergic to the tape and looks like i'm developing a blood blister under one dressing already as well as the fact I must have banged it in my sleep! Had it redressed by the lovely district nurse which is less itchy but still uncomfortable. Chemo unit want to see it on Monday, wondering now if a port-a-cath would have been more appropriate... May bring that one up.

To add to that occupational health have phoned today, had some random bloods done a few weeks before diagnosis due to another illness', was only meant to have my chickenpox immunity checked but they also did my MMR... Despite having the vaccines when little I am not immune to measles and mumps! Great! Will have to ask about having the vaccine, it's live so I'll prob have to wait for that one. May need to go live in a cave at this rate. Glad to hear I'm immune to chickenpox though!

Had a spontaneous visit off the best friend and my gorgeous god-daughter this afternoon, much needed or I think I'd be sat sobbing right now. I'm lucky to have such beautiful friends and amazing support!

Here's hoping next week is a better one! 6 days and counting to my head shaving party! (Yes - party, i don't want it to be a depressing night!) xx

A quick quote

Loving this quote from Dr Seuss at the moment:

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”

He may come across as slightly mad but this certainly feels to be ringing true right now. Xx

Debby two lumps :(

Kick in the teeth today that I kinda didn't need, that lump has grown since I was first seen a month ago. MRI results show instead of the 3.5-4 cm it may now be 6cm. Some of this may be due to swelling from the biopsy but it's not fab news.

MRI has also shown another smaller lump next to the first, which we think is part of the same lump, it may be a piece that has started to break away. Looks like I went back to be seen just on time, don't want to think what may have happened if I had left it another month/year!

No mega changes to treatment plans though, thank goodness. Need to have another bead inserted into the second lump when my immunity and platelet levels are higher at the end of this first cycle. Consultant seems optimistic that both will significantly shrink with the chemo.

Just glad that first dose of magic medicine is in and getting to work!

On a plus side, feeling a little less sickly today, more achey than anything and tired from lack of sleep. To me that's an improvement though, even though it only sounds minor, actually managed to shower today! Xx

First chemo infusion complete!

1 down, 5 to go!!

The chemo session itself wasnt like i expected, pretty straightforward, just a couple of immediate short lasting side effects. Dexamethazone (steroid antisickness) makes you feel for 30 seconds or so like you have sat on a hedgehog, the F medicine makes you feel like you REALLY need to sneeze and the E part makes your urine red!

Headache started about 30 mins later and the sickness about 30 mins after that... And hasnt stopped despite trying all the antisickness drugs they gave me! So far managed to only be actually sick twice, but the feeling is awful! Ice lolly for lunch as i simply cannot stand the thought of eating or drinking. Currently waiting for a call to see if I can have some different meds.

Today I need to have an injection in my tummy, something to do with stopping my white blood cells dropping too low in the middle of the cycle therefore preventing infection. Sounds like it gives my bone marrow a kick up the bum.

Now I shall go back to my snoozy, feel sorry for myself, duvet day and wait for the phone to ring to see if I'm allowed more antisickness.

The joys. Xx

PICC line day

The PICC line went in today!

Have to say, it was the single most painful experience of my life! Definitely not something that I would ever repeat!

Least it's done now though! Which means no more needles for chemo, bloods, antisickness drugs or antibiotics if i need them!

Tomorrows hurdle... First chemo dose!

Looks brutal but all the dressings will be off tomorrow.

As for my sentinal nose biopsy, took this last week, after the stitch came out.

Another week...

Been a rubbish week really, have to say the weekend more than made up for it though!

Wednesdays appointment cleared the mist a little and helped. Finally got a whole day to myself on Thursday. Then Friday meant two appointments, firstly an mri which went ok, then I had the bead insertion, a tiny little titanium bead jabbed right in the middle of that lump. I have yet another lovely bruise to add to the list, but they put it through the biopsy scar, which is good for me! One less scar!

As for the weekend, perfect isnt the word for it! Properly fixed my smile back on.

Now gearing myself up for the start of the proper fight this week. PICC line tomorrow and chemo starts on Tuesday. Xx

A little more positive today

Feeling a little better today, although i am fed up of my phone ringing for appointments etc.

Had a physio group appointment today aimed at women who have had breast surgery which actually turned out to be really rather useful! I've been assured it's normal to not have full movement just yet, this should come back by about week 6 which was good to know. They will also refer me to see if I want to try any complementary therapies which sounds good. Was also nice to meet a few people going through similar experiences.

One of my phonecall's today was to arrange the insertion of a metal bead into the middle of that lump. It will help my surgeon find the nasty bit if chemoworks  wonders and shrinks it into practically nothing. This way he knows where it was, even though it may not be visible, so he can find where remaining cells will be. If that makes any sense. Sounds like a good idea to me, and quite hopeful that chemo will work wonders, however it means yet more needles and pain.

Feeling a lot better today, helped a little by the beautiful weather. Trying not to worry too much about tomorrow.

I've always said whats meant to be will be. Xx

Good news and difficult decisions...

Been to see my consultant today, fabulous news - bone scan and CT scan were both fine!! Huge relief. The bling has also been taken out finally, it's much more comfortable and I'm well impressed with the wound / the way it's healing!

Mammogram's hurt, my Mum warned me of this, but I was still not prepared for that one. Least it's done now, till the next time at least anyway.

I've also been given an appointment finally to see the fertility people in Manchester on Wednesday. I sense this being a difficult and very emotional appointment. Out of all of the treatment, my fertility is the part that worries me the most, I can cope with the sickness and hair loss etc, but this worries me. At 24 it's a big decision to be making, and one I feel the world shouldn't be making me do. That lump is receptive to my hormones, so basically my hormone's feed its growth. So far I have gathered that my choices with regards to fertility include

• Keeping my fingers crossed and waiting to see if everything kicks back into place at the end of treatment, maybe with the aid of an injection after chemo to suppress my oestrogen production, which could in turn protect my ovaries but has no guarantee.
• Pump my body with lots of hormones that will feed that continually growing lump and delay my chemo by around 3 weeks to gather eggs and either save them in that form or save them as embryos.

Maybe Manchester will clarify things or give me more option's. We shall see.

All I know is that I do not want to be making this horrible decision, and that the next week or so will be a massive emotional rollercoaster. Not only for me but also for my boyfriend, it's an even bigger and harder decision when there's two of you.

Not quite feeling so chirpy today, but tomorrows a new day, who knows what that may bring. xx