My head shaving video from 20/06/13.

Video from my head shaving party (20/06/13), the main part of my shave. Can't believe I smiled and laughed all the way through this! Didn't shed one tear that night, until I was told I had to stay in hospital.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IPO_lgQr-I4&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DIPO_lgQr-I4

Surgery plans.

Saw my surgical consultant on Monday. He is happy with the good response I've had from chemo and can, like me, only feel the edges of that lump. He feels a wide local excision (lumpectomy) is the right operation for me, rather than a mastectomy, which is fabulous!!

I should be having the op 4-6 weeks after my last chemo, that way I have time for my bloods to recover but the nasty cells dont have time to start multiplying again. 

Before this I need an MRI scan to see the size of the lump and ensure that second suspicious patch is no longer there, if it is that may change my surgery plans.

The incision will be directly above that lump and my surgeon is hoping to stitch it the same as he stitched after my sentinel node biopsy, so hopefully a pretty neat scar.

One of my biggest worries was that an operation would prevent me from breastfeeding any children I may be lucky enough to have in the future. My surgeon says that a lumpectomy shouldn't affect anything in that respect, which makes me one happy lady!

Although I am nervous about going to theatre again, I am also excited to get it done and dusted. Surgery feels like another line in the sand on my journey, the line between having cancer and having the thing gone. Everything after surgery feels more like a preventative measure to ensure this thing hopefully never, ever returns.

Does cancer have a smell?

I've often heard before my diagnosis that some people and animals can "smell" different illness' and disease's, like the dog's that can sense when someone is about to have a seizure.

I've not done any scientific research, or anything like that, so who am I to comment, but since starting chemotherapy I have begun to wonder if cancer really does have a "smell".

A few days after chemotherapy I get an overwhelming smell of metal. The smell that is left on your hand's after holding a handful of coins, just like that, everywhere. No matter how long I spend scrubbing myself in the shower I can still smell it, only for a few days, but each time it's there. I have thrust many of my body parts under the noses of my loved ones, they can never smell it though. The only way I have found to overpower that smell is to put talc on my head! (Just in case someone reads this who feels talc can cause cancer, I already have it, and everything causes cancer these days apparantly. Besides, it's a good excuse for a head rub!)

Surely such a big lump of cancer cell's being killed must have some sort of smell? Flesh smells as it rots, why not cancer?

Whilst I'm on the subject of cancer senses. I also sometimes get a dull ache in my affected breast and frequently get a dull stabbing pain directly where that lump is, mainly in week two of my chemo cycle. After speaking to other women this seems to be a common thing. I like to think it's the cancer cells screaming as they die.

On a huge positive note finish, I am really struggling to feel that lump now! Chemotherapy is a wonderful and amazing thing, despite its nasty side effects, it really is magic! Xx

Nasty nasty taxotere!

Taxotere is a sly form of chemo!

With FEC I felt rubbish just a few hour's after the infusion. Tax on the other hand seems to want to lull you into a false sense of security. Leading you to thinking you'll have minimal, easy side effect's and that you'll manage just fine. Then it hits!

Transfusion day (Tuesday) and Wednesday I felt pretty much ok, little wired and fuzzy which was probably due to the steroids that have to be taken to reduce any allergic reaction to the tax and combat sickness. Thursday morning onwards I had the usual "post-neulasta jab" aches, solvable with a pillow between my legs and ibuprofen tablets regularly. Then from last night it was like a ball had been released from the top of a high steep hill. Gradually meaning me becoming more and more sore and increasingly tired, my appetite disappeared somewhere, then the ball picked up some immense speed and then BAM! Right into me!

I have realised however that if I do anything at all the aches are so much worse. Lying still, preferably in a boiling hot bath, is the only time I don't want to cut my own head off. Thank goodness for the port-a-cath! I wouldn't have had that option with a PICC.

For those that don't know me well, being still is a very hard thing for me to do! I hate sitting still, I am far too stubborn for my own good sometimes. I have to keep reminding myself that, yes, whilst I may not be ill as such I am still fighting, fighting that horrid little lump with every ounce of energy I have, which is why I must rest.

I know I only have one left, but if I told you "you'll only be flattened once more" would you relish in that thought? Or dread every minute of it?

Luckily, the thought of the thing killing me off scares me about 2% more than chemo does right now, plus that stubborn streak needs to prove that it's not for hiding away anytime soon.

Once again I say goodbye to a weekend and become one of the only people praying for it to be next week already! I have a selection of painkiller's and hot water bottle's for me to pick from, at least the codeine helps me sleep through the pain a little.

Good job I'm not up and about really... I'm sure I'd rattle if you shook me right now. Xx

Chemo 5 is in! One to go!

Yesterday I had chemo number 5!! Which means once the horrid side effects have been ridden again I only have ONE dose left! Yes, just one!

This does not mean the end of treatment, I still have an operation, 4 weeks of daily radiotherapy, 16 infusion's of herceptin and 10 years of tamoxifen to come. But it will be the end of chemotherapy, and I cannot wait!

Chemo 4, 5 and 6 are all taxotere. People ask if it is better or worse than FEC, my honest answer? I do not know. Taxotere has brought minimal sickness which is a massive blessing, but the aches are awful, feeling every bone and muscle in your body hurt isn't pleasant. For the first time in my life I spent most of one day in bed drifting in and out of sleep, waking only for painkillers and water. Many women describe it as being hit by a "tax truck", which I feel describes it well. The stomach cramp's wern't nice, I did however get away with only having one nosebleed! Each drug is evil in its own different way.

On a hair-watch note, I do have the tiniest bit of regrowth on my head (imagine a peach and you'll get a rough idea), however my eyelashes and eyebrow's are quickly giving up, which is horrid, for me I think losing them has been more difficult than losing my head hair. Roughly a week after chemo 4 was the first time I felt I truly looked "sick" or like a "cancer patient". Thank-goodness for make-up and some fabulous days and nights both out and in with some of my friend's and family! They really do keep me (almost) sane.

Saying this though, on a positive note, yesterday was the proudest I think I've felt about myself throughout this horrific journey! Willingly sitting there whilst someone pumps you with poison isn't easy at all, and I have done that 5 whole times so far! That is something I sense I should be extremely proud of, and I am!

For one more final giggle, the amount of bald fun you can have is endless! Meet my new fella! (Luckily my boyfriend doesn't mind too much as mr egg was whisked into a rather lemony sorbet! Yum!)

A quick little link.

Just a quick one...

Seen this link tonight: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/9667295/Friends-and-family-boost-breast-cancer-survival.html

"Breast cancer patients with a wide circle of friends and relatives are 38 per cent less likely to die within a decade of being diagnosed than those with few friends and less close-knit families, found American researchers."

I can completely and utterly relate to this. I couldn't have come this far without the massive support from my family and friends! Xx

New drugs, black nails and confirmed shrinkage!!

Saw the oncologist yesterday before chemo, bloods are all ok again so got the go ahead for the next type. It's a different drug to what I've had before which means different side effects. First dose went in yesterday, no problems, and NO sickness so far (touchwood)! Its amazing being able to eat and move about normally. All I feel at the moment is a tad sleepy, possibly from all these early mornings! Now to lie in wait for these bone and muscle pains I have been told to expect and hope they're not too horrid.

For those that see me over the next few months, I have black nail varnish on. Do not worry, I have not been turned gothic by medicine, I have read in multiple places that it may help my nails peeling, splitting or even dropping off as it prevents sunlight reaching my nail beds. Worth a try. I'm also attempting to drink more pineapple juice as that should hopefully help prevent my mouth becoming too nasty and sore. Strange preventative tactics, but worth a go!

Today the first dose of herceptin went through too, again no problems.

I am loving my port! Despite it still being bruised and the stitches on my chest wall still being in it is so much better than my PICC! Had the stitches out my neck yesterday, that wound has all healed well and looks fab, two weeks before the rest of the stitches can come out!

On a very, very positive note, I have made the conscious decision throughout my chemo to only feel the size of that lump once a week, that way any changes are more obvious to me. I have felt it shrinking! the second week seems to hit the thing the hardest.

The oncologist had a poke at it yesterday and agrees that it is definitely shrinking!!! Which spurs me on to fight through these side effects even more, because despite me normally feeling so rotten after chemo it's doing much more damage to that thing than it is to the rest of me. I'm also carrying on sending death wishes to it in the shower, silly as it sounds, makes me feel better and more in control and certainly won't do any harm! I won't receive any scan's until chemo is over, but a feel-able difference is amazing!

All in all feeling pretty positive now. Jumping over that halfway mark has definitely done me wonders! Xx

Halfway! Treats, genes, celebrations and giggles!

Halfway through chemo! The time has flown so far but I've often wondered if I could make it this far.

This third chemo, for me, has been the hardest, not just physically but also emotionally. I have cried a lot over this last three weeks, but I have pulled my socks up and realised what I have in life. Today I am back to the fear of the unknown, a new chemo drug and tomorrow the first dose of herceptin.

Yesterday I really made the most of feeling well! Had pre-chemo bloods taken in the morning, 3 venous jabs as no-one could find the right needles for my port. Then it was off to manchester!

I had an amazing two hour workshop run by Look Good, Feel Better. They are a charity that hold free makeup workshops specifically for women with cancer, I was in a room with 10 other women at different stages along their different cancer journey. 1 beautician went through the 12 step makeup and skincare routine while we all "copied", 3 other beauticians were at hand to help and give more pointers. It was all very focused of rectifying the common problems us cancer sufferers suffer from most frequently, like the loss of lashes, eybrows, redness and facial puffiness. Every single one of those ladies, me included, walked out with a smile on their face and a bound in their step. Definitely the confidence boost and treat I needed ready to face the next half of chemo. As those who know me well I don't often wear makeup so it really was a treat. Another amazing positive was the free "goodie bag" we all got given to take home! I would suggest any woman on this horrific journey attends one of these sessions! Everyone was amazing. Stick a load of women with hair of different lengths but with a similar story into a room and they soon start chatting like old friends. Fabulous workshop!

This is my "goodie bag"!

Following this I had my genetics appointment, which was a rather scary experience for me. This involved a discussion with a genetic counsellor about which genes may be or may not be involved with the development of that lump. They dont test outright for the three most common genes (braca1, braca2 and p53) due to funding, but they feel i fit requirements for p53 testing. So today I will have bloods taken for this, approx 8 weeks till I get my results. After what I now know about this gene I am hoping I am simply just "unlucky" that I got a rouge cell, and it's not that gene. I will try not to worry until results come back though, it wont change anything.

Then it was off to the trafford center to celebrate mine and the boyfriends first anniversary properly. It was two weeks ago, but as I didn't feel too well then we had an, albeit perfect, night in. So celebrated out last night as well.

One happy, and very tired lady by the time I got home.

Just to end on a giggle. I'm keeping a little cancer memory box with all my letters, cards and pictures in. So decided I needed a couple with me and some new friends I found. Hope they make you giggle at least half as much as I did!

Port in PICC out!

I have had two appointments so far this week. Tuesday I had an echocardiogram (ultrasound scan of my heart) to make sure I have no underlying heart problems and to provide my doctor's with a baseline of my heart function, as the herceptin I'm due to start next Wednesday can put you in heart failure. Quite a straight forward appointment so I was in and out pretty quickly.

Yesterday was the big port day! I was quite honestly terrified, and for that reason I decided saying yes to sedation was the best idea. I had a few pre procedure checks and questions done, changed into a gown and was then taken into another room. Led on my back with my head facing right in a box I was covered in surgical drapes, I couldnt see anything other than through a tiny gap in the drapes through the box. I was given some sedation to chill me out, not enough to make me sleep though sadly, then they started putting the local anaesthetic in. At this point I started crying as I was still terrified and it really hurt, so for this reason I was given a little bit more sedation, then I was that chilled out I honestly felt like they wern't doing anything to me, fabulous stuff and I'd really suggest that anyone in that situation says yes to sedation!

It meant I had to stop a little longer after the procedure which was no biggie really as they allowed my boyfriend to sit with me, so I didn't feel quite so alone or scared.

Then the PICC line was pulled out, so it's gone! I honestly couldn't be happier about that. It's been a blessing as it's meant I have not needed a needle for each blood test and each chemo, but I also hated it. It was visible to everyone, got in the way and ruined my skin. Love hate relationship I suppose.

Everyone I came into contact with yesterday was fabulous, I couldn't fault anything! They even had a nurse who was just there to reassure me and simply hold my hand the whole way through. That's true nursing care! I was also given a drink and toast after it all!

Today I am pretty sore and needing regular pain relief, I also look like I've been attacked with all the dressings I have on. I'm just taking it easy and not pushing myself too far. It will be so much easier for day to day life once it's all healed and the stitches have come out. The stitches in my neck (3 stitches) come out on Tuesday and the stitches to my chest (5 stitches) come out in 3 weeks.

This is a picture of the positioning of it all, tomorrow the district nurse will be coming to change my dressings and check my wound, I haven't to change it myself, which is why the chest dressing has blood on it at the moment. Xx

Port pre-assessment.

Almost time for my port-a-cath insertion! Had my pre-assessment yesterday, having it done on Wednesday.

I'll be having it put in the left side as that lump is on the right side and I have had nodes removed on the right side too.

They make a pocket in the skin on my chest, about where my bra strap sits by the sounds of it. This is where the port end will be inserted and stitched onto my chest wall, the tubing is then tunnelled under my skin, comes out at my neck, then they puncture my jugular vein (the one in my neck) and feed the rest of the tubing through so the tip sits in the big vein just above my heart. Everything is connected, tested and then I'm stitched back up on my neck and my chest. All sounds pretty terrifying! But it means nothing will be on the outside of my body so I can have a bath etc, and it can stay in throughout all my treatment. They just insert a special kind of needle into the port's center and then inject my chemo/herceptin etc into that.

All of it is done under a local anaesthetic, I have been offered some sedation, not enough to knock me out, just enough to relax me. I'm still undecided wether to take this or not as I worry it will make me feel rubbish plus it will mean I have to stop longer afterwards. Have to give it a good think over the weekend.

It's a proper surgical procedure, not as simple as just a cannula, which comes with risks and with a promise of pain. I am trying not to think about that though!

This horrid PICC line will come out on the same day too, 4 days and counting!! Xx

This is a picture I found online of what the port looks like before it's put in.