I've done it!!!

IVE ONLY GONE AND BLOODY DONE IT!!!!

I have finished 20 radiotherapy sessions!

This last 8 and a half months have been the toughest months of my life. My body has been battered from every angle, internally and externally, I have felt pain I never thought possible and have felt more ill than I probably ever will again throughout my entire life.

8 and a half months and I have had numerous scans, 3 operations, 6 chemotherapy sessions, 9 herceptin infusions, 2 tiny tattoo's, a picc insertion, a port insertion, a biopsy, a tumour marker insertion, too many needles, 20 radiotherapy sessions, a month of tamoxifen and more drugs than I could shake a stick at.

I have lost my hair, my nails, a few people I mistook as friends, 3 lymph nodes, lots of naughty cells and all of my dignity...

I have 9 herceptin infusions (yep, that makes me halfway through!) and 9 years 11 months of tamoxifen left to take. That however is nothing in the big picture. Now I think I am finally allowed to put the pieces of myself back into some kind of order, regain my dignity and most importantly LIVE!

Who would have thought it eh, little old me kicking cancers arse at 24! I am so proud of what I have achieved and so proud of what my body can go through yet still bounce back from. I would never have done it without the support of my fabulous family and friends, so a massive thank-you to each and every one of you!

I am a different person now from who I used to be. I will never "get back to normal", that version of me has gone forever. This new me is different... It currently can't manage certain things, has significantly more scars, a different outlook on life, a fear of reoccurrence and looks completely different. Strangely, however, I have a lot more confidence within myself than I have ever had, I think when you're stripped back and made to feel so raw you are forced into becoming more confident. I am less scared of doing or trying new things too, if I've made it through this then I can do anything I set my mind too, turns out Mum and Dad were right with that phrase all along! I think it has changed me for the better in many ways.

I will never, ever, forget what I have been through. I wouldn't want to, it is a huge event in my life, but I refuse to let it define who I am.

There are a whole range of things I have now got to deal with and try and get my head around, it has been a roller-coaster of change and emotions. I have been told that after breast cancer treatment it is about 18 months before people feel they have turned the corner and found their new self and happiness. I have a long way to go mentally. It is a very difficult thing to try and explain just how "moving on" feels, so I wont try. It's too big a feeling.

I will tell you though that the light at the end of that tunnel is beautiful and bright, just like I had imagined it to be!

Here's to life and living it! :D

Radiotherapy so far.

16 radiotherapy sessions down, 4 to go! I have finished the first stage of radiotherapy and have now started the booster sessions.

So far I've slowly become more and more tired as the days have gone on, which I'm told is normal and will continue for a couple of weeks after, I have also got what looks like a very badly sunburnt bad boob! It's very, very red, a bit warm and kills when i have pressure put on it like when i sleep. I have a radiation burn too, that bit hurts! It appears to be where my underwire has sat and aggravated that part of my skin more. I do try and take my bra off as much as possible and only wear it when I go out but it's still burnt. A couple of weeks after radiotherapy I have been told this will start to heal. I have been given some cream for it but ouchy nonetheless!

I still feel very emotional led on the table, I'm not 100% sure why,  I think it's a few things. I am sick and tired of having strangers poke my chest and move my body like I am a rag doll, I feel like the enormity and reality of the last 8 months has finally started to hit me, lying in that room staring at the ceiling is a very lonely experience and at 24 I simply feel it is not fair I am going through this. They seem to be the main feelings I have, unfortunately today as they had to do a scan before starting boosters I wasn't fully aware of where I would be in the machine, when it started to move, then I felt surrounded by it and had about 20cms above me that I could see through to the ceiling and that was it. I became very claustrophobic and completely overwhelmed by everything and started crying led there half naked. I managed to keep still and the radiotherapy was given, which to say how upset I was I am rather proud about managing strangely. I then sat up, had a good sob with a lovely radiotherapist and a box of tissues, and felt so much better for it!

4 to go, 4 to go, 4 to go... I can do this!

2 down, 13 or 18 to go!

Started radiotherapy yesterday so I've now had two sessions! I'm still not sure if I'm having 15 or 20 in total.

I have been told that I am most likely going to become tired towards the end of the treatments, I also need to take careful care of my skin in that area. No deodorant and no shaving under that arm for a while, which I'm not impressed about!

The whole process is very technical but very straight forward, I lie on a table, they move me about and shout lots of number's to each other and all I have to do is lie perfectly still. They then leave the room and the machine makes some noises, then moves and makes some more and that is it. Nothing to see, nothing to feel, nothing to smell. Simple.

I have on both sessions found myself sending death wishes to any cancerous or pre-cancerous cell that may have tried to survive so far, if any. Little crazy, but I sense it's good for my mental health.

The only thing is I become very emotional led there on that table, I have not yet cried but both times I have felt like doing. I'm not sure why. Whether it is a feeling of lack of control from my side of things, knowing I am taking another big step, not knowing exactly what it is doing, the fact I don't know how it will make me feel or it may simply just be caused by the complete change in my hormones. It's very hard to explain. I'm beginning to feel a little overwhelmed...